With anticipation mounting over the Snoods’ mouth-watering tie against Real So So Bad this Sunday at 1900 GMT, we went along to Snood HQ on Thursday morning to get inside the mind of the team’s midfield powerhouse, James Brown… Or at least try to.
Good morning Mr Brown, you sex machine. Just how sexy are you feeling today?
A: ‘Iya mate, how’s it hanging? Low to the left I hope! I’m currently sitting in my dressing gown, half naked, listening to Phil Collins – I can’t lie, I’m feeling darn sexy.
1. James, how gutted were you that you couldn’t play last Sunday due to work commitments?
A: Well, being strictly honest with you, I was gutted. I have inside news that it was an attempt to intentionally disrupt our gameplan to start at 8:30 pm (Personality Matters – James Brown TM). To compensate for this frustration, a small ginger boy at work suffered.
2. And what will you be doing this week to make up for missing out last time round?
A: Well being as I had 8 hours to waste in work on sunday, I planned out a new diet for myself. It includes consumption of CHIIIIKAAAAANNN and a side dish of Neil James. On a more serious note, I have no f***in’ idea butt!
3. What did you think of the team’s performance and result in your absence?
A: Well Matthew, as Phil Collins is telling me, it’s just another day in paradise. So I think they did pretty well, despite my absence! I’m unsure how we conceded 10 goals, I think we got a little too over-confident or more likely the fact pancake day was 2 days away might have thrown the boys off!
4. Matthew?! This isn’t Stars in their f***ing eyes, Brownie! My name’s Tom, but whatever… How important (and shiny) are those new trainers you bought?
A: Indeed, they are shiny. But like my father once told me, you can buy a £120 pair of total 60’s, but you won’t use their full potential if you are, in general, shit yourself. I was young, naive and easily persuaded… Looking back at this comment, I assume he was being a tight c*** and didn’t want to fork out on £120 boots which would have 100%, DEFINITELY, improved my performance.
On a more potentially dangerous note, I counted the amount of holes my last pair of boots aka wellies had – a total sum of 4. So, these new, red – comma – shiny pair of trainers are the f***in’ balls!
5. There has been talk, that the boys have acknowledged, that the side loses concentration during games if they see they have a healthy enough lead. Surely this cannot be a good thing?
A: Well.. what can I say. When a game’s in the bag, we have other things to concentrate on.
1. Who we’re all going to dip later? 2. Who’s man of the match? 3. Who’s doing the Neil James challenge for the night? 4. Who’s going bald first?
There’s a clear winner for all of these activities but there’s only one thing for certain – The Snoods are going to the top baby!!.. but yes umm.. We shouldn’t really get ahead of ourselves.
6. On a similar note, Real So So Bad had been touted as the Snoods’ main rivals for promotion this season. Following their capitulation against Wenvoe Arms in week 2 they now sit 5th in the league. Is this a match you will now be taking more lightly?
A: I’ll be taking this game SO lightly, I’ll be bringing out the wellies. On a more economically-friendly note (saving paper, saving trees) – There will be handbags thrown, lads from both sides being sent off and the competition will be fierce. ish.
7. For the second week running the Snoods lie 2nd by virtue of goal difference alone. Do you think goals scored and conceded will be a factor come the end of the season?
A: No. well I’ll say ‘maybe’ in full confidence. I’m hoping the boys may have confidence in myself to put a few more goals in the back of the net and keep the team spirit high. But then again, we’ll just get shagged (unfortunately for most of us, not literally) over by the league again.. and some bender of a ref.
8. How massive are you going to be on Sunday?
A: Before or after the game? I mean during the game we all get a bit of cold tip, so i’ll see what I can do. BEING MORE SERIOUS – to such a serious question.. hopefully ‘UGE, without a hangover from tonight’s walkabout antics.
9. Who do you think needs to have a good game or indeed improve their game if your team are to be successful on Sunday?
A: Well.. after my pasta last night, apparently I was fat and clearly unfit for the game, cheers Baker – so I’ll have to step up my.. fat.. game. Although I expect a tossing off from Thomas Davies – when I’m on fire, he’s on fire. I can see Neilio James coming in with an early 4 goals this week. I can also see Matthew Jacob having a stormer, due to the fact Vikki will be watching the game through skype. Craig and Steve.. Well, I think enough’s been said in this interview about them. Splendid.
10. How big a bearing will over half the team going out and getting totally amongilated on Saturday night have on their resulting performance the following evening?
A: Hangover – Mess – Spewing toilet – Victory. This is the exact order of how sunday will plan out.
11. And finally, why do I like you so much?! (Sarah Baker)
A: I have been asked this question countless times, by so many different breeds of people. There is only 1 answer. I am James Brown. ‘Spartan’ to some, ‘Sexual’ to others and ‘Prick’ to short ginger kids he launches out of the casino.
I’ll have to stop you there Brownie, before I blow my own brains out. Thank you, and the best of luck for Sunday!